Reclaiming Love: The First Monologue About My Life

I don’t know why I said yes to presenting my story to a random audience, but I’m glad I did.

I’m a shy person with a really soft-spoken voice. You will have to ask me to repeat myself a few times before you’re able to understand what I had just said. It’s that bad. So instead I stay quiet hoping nobody will talk to me. I think that makes me socially awkward.

My public speaking skills are terrible too. I sometimes leave my hands in my pockets throughout the presentation and don’t remember to take them out until the very end. I think that gives away my inexperience with public speaking. Or possibly when I start talking fast, start stuttering, or begin rambling; one of the three.

One day I was asked by a coordinator of a Men Can Stop Violence program at school if I wanted to present “my story” for an event called Cocktales. The name sounded funny and I told him that I didn’t have a story, but that I was interested. He said there was something about me that made him think there was a story. I think being one of two men in a classroom of 28 women made me an easy person for him to recruit for his event. Who knows?

A few days later I received an email with details of the event. The event was about “Creating a space [for men] to talk about masculinity. Men can begin to hear other men’s real stories about their journey from recognizing privilege to emotional pain and ultimately finding peace within themselves”. The theme for that year was Reclaiming Love. The email listed topics about love such as: unconditional love, self love, forgotten love, love to a parent, loving the feminine, indigenous love, loving yourself, and a bunch more. I didn’t know what topic to choose, so I picked a few and met with the coordinator.

Over the next couple months we went over “my story” and began narrowing the topics down. I was excited to be writing about my experience with love even if it was limited. I was pouring my heart out into this monologue to the point where I had to stop writing because I would begin crying in the library. I had never presented a story of myself to an audience, so I didn’t know how much I wanted to tell. I was naive and told a lot more than I should have.

On the day of the event I was nervous to say the least. We had rehearsals a few days earlier, but I needed more than one day to prepare. To tell you the truth, I’m the type of person who has to remember his presentation word-for-word even if it takes me days to remember. I was so frightened to present that I kept pacing back and forth backstage trying to rehearse my lines. I kept on going to the bathroom more times than I needed and the guys kept on looking at me strangely. They told me to relax and that I would be fine. I was sweating so much, but managed to calm down before they called my name.

Here is my monologue:

By the end of the night, many people came and told me what a heart-felt performance I gave. And to be honest, it really was from the heart. I told them a story of myself that I didn’t know people could relate to or cared to hear. I surprised myself and even my friends who showed up to support me. For that night, I wasn’t that socially awkward person or that person who was scared of speaking in public. Somehow I felt confident for having the strength for telling the audience a person story of myself. I felt proud and smiled the rest of the night.

My family doesn’t know that I gave this monologue and perhaps now is the time to tell them.

If you like what you see, feel free to make a donation to my Paypal. Any amount would be appreciated. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

PayPal Donate Button

My Life….Censored

I’m in a better place in life right now, a much more peaceful place.

The months after graduating from San Francisco State have been chaotic to say the least. I have behaved in certain ways that shocked me. I have said certain things that I shouldn’t have said. I thought things that many people would consider morally wrong. To tell you the truth, I just lost control of myself, but I’m taking it back now.

I remember having a conversation with my best friend about me one night (something I rarely do). She told me she was concerned about certain things I have done in my life to the point where she considered ending our friendship. She hoped that I would change once I realized that the things I do affect the people in my life. I didn’t know what to say. I felt hurt. So I began telling her the story of my childhood. I told her about my parents, my brothers, the teasing, the fighting, the crying, the neglect, the hiding, the frustration, the anger, and the pain. I cried. I’m glad she didn’t end our friendship that night.

I have been thinking about what I’ve gone through the past few years and how much of these stories I have shared with people. To be honest, I probably shouldn’t be sharing everything that I have gone through. You will criticize me (I know you will).

I can tell you the confusion about my sexuality and being neglected as a child played a major role in how I behaved. I have woken up naked in a house with three random strangers (I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks); I have walked drunk for hours in the rain at two in the morning because I wanted to sleep next to my ex; I have had sex in the house and cars of random men in order to fill a certain void in my life; I have been drunk way too much and have had many panic attacks; I have been a stalker and stepped over many boundaries; I have deliberately made others feel bad about dating me; I have demanded instant replies to my texts and calls;  I have been way too clingy and needy; I have made fake dating profiles to get information from people; I was playing a role in my head and I lost touch with reality.

My best friend once said that I was fully aware of my actions (I really wasn’t), that I understood the consequences (I really didn’t), and that I was able to reflect and explain the reasoning for my behavior really well (I just rambled). She didn’t understand how someone with a psychology degree could behave so destructively. She was concerned about the risks I put myself through and didn’t want me to throw my life away. She was right.

I realized that I had put my life at risk far too many times and I need to change. I also realized that I have to maintain a certain image in the field that I am wanting to go in, so I should learn to censor myself. I’m 23 and I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I have way too much to learn about myself and about people.

Perhaps the time isn’t right for me to tell the most darker parts of my life. Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you about the events that almost lost me a friend. Perhaps a glimpse of my life is enough for you right now.

I have been busy volunteering and attending workshops. I took my behind-the-wheel driving test and passed. My best friend and I are becoming closer than ever. Reality hit me and now I’m at a peaceful place in my life.

If you like what you see, feel free to make a donation to my Paypal. Any amount would be appreciated. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

PayPal Donate Button

My Life And The Bloggers In It

To tell you the truth, I never really expected anyone to care about what I wrote on my blog or to get many positive comments. I really didn’t. I wrote because I knew I would have the option to click on my posts, read them, and go back to a period of time in my life. Times where I was happy and times were I was sad. I’ve been doing that lately. I know later in my life I will see certain events differently or completely forget certain memories because memories really do fade away. So I’m glad that you’re here with me because you’re giving me a new reason to share. I write because I want you to know my story and I appreciate you reading my blog. No joke.

A few bloggers have told me that they like my style of writing (that’s the first time I’ve been told I have style). I have also been thanked for sharing stories that are so personal. Honestly, I didn’t know how personal my stories were until I was told they were very personal and I don’t think I will ever change that about my blog. All my posts (except for this one) have taken me days to write because I really do want you to understand how I felt during that moment in my life. A few bloggers have shared similar experiences that remind me that sometimes we go through the same things.

I get happy when I see a notification and see that it’s a comment from a blogger that has something nice to say about my post. Those are the best. So what I want to do is ask you all a question (well a few questions actually).

Which is your favorite post of mine and why? What is it about my blog that you like the most? What would you like to know more about?

As for me, my favorite posts would have to be:

“The first relationship of my life” because I’m still recovering from the emotional effects and it takes me back to a time were I was so naive and in love at 21 years old.

“My life in blog” because it’s my first post and I have a thing about “firsts.” Also, the positive feedback I received from that post gave me the motivation to continue writing more.

And

“The brother who left my life” because I never expected to publish that story on this blog. I was literally scared of exposing that side of myself. You were the first people to hear about that event in my life. Two days later, I told my best friend and I remember crying in the car. It was something special really.

Those are three of my favorite. I hope I hear more from all of you. I’m really curious to know what makes people click on the like button. I really have no clue. I think my posts are too simple to be considered well-written or engaging. They are just simple posts from a simple guy.

If you like what you see, feel free to make a donation to my Paypal. Any amount would be appreciated. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

PayPal Donate Button