The First Relationship Of My Life

I never thought I would tell you personal stories of myself, but today I feel different. I feel a bit unhappy. I want to tell you about my summer before I moved to San Francisco. It was a summer of exploring, and man did I explore (literally and metaphorically). I was still in the closet, just turned 21, and pretty nervous about moving away from my family. I had never traveled outside of Orange County because I never had much of an excuse to venture out. I did all my traveling in my head and I was okay with that.

I was originally going to move out with three friends, but in the end all three couldn’t go and I was left to move out by myself; I got scared. I didn’t want to tell my family because I never told them that I was planning to move away. I felt lonely, but a different kind of loneliness. I was talking less to my family and friends, and more to a guy. My family never knew about him, and I doubt they ever will. I find that sad. He meant a lot to me. To tell you the truth, he still does.

I met him that summer on an online dating site. We met and hooked up that night. As much as I would like to change our first date to be on a beach under the stars hearing the waves, I know that I can’t. That doesn’t make me like him any less. I think he liked me as well because we would text all day and talk all night. We would talk about what we liked and what we wanted out of our futures. I was surprised that I could relate to all the cliche summer fling stories I heard about, and I was happy. I will never forget that summer. I was living in a movie and I didn’t want my summer to end. I was naive and in love. He was seven years older than I was, but he made me smile, a happy smile, a real smile.

Before knowing him, my only interaction with the gay community in Orange County came from sneaking out at night with men I had previously chatted with online. I was a random hook up to older gay men, a mediocre at best a lousy one at worst. I was new and would get nervous before every encounter, but soon those dark alley ways, dimly lit parks, and car seats were beginning to feel too familiar.

My ex-boyfriend changed my view of the gay world. For once, I was being taken on dates to restaurants and hanging out in public places. Being gay felt normal and something that I didn’t have to hide. I loved every moment spent with him and soon I started to love him. I didn’t want to leave Orange County; I thought he was my reason to stay and soon asked him out. Till this day I don’t know how I got enough courage to ask him if he would be my boyfriend, but I will never regret my decision.

We continued talking. I told him my fears and how scared I was of moving away (I forgot to tell him how much I feared losing him). He reassured me that San Francisco was the right move and that I should go. That made me feel good, and perhaps I used him or perhaps he used me. I still don’t know. He was there to drop me off at the train station and it felt like a scene from a movie.

And that’s how my summer ended, full of promise and hope. Soon after I would learn the full story of my first boyfriend, and the drama that followed changed me completely. That’s a different story though and for a different post.¬†I would like to end this post telling you how I loved that train ride to San Francisco. I was excited to move away and be independent. I wanted to explore the gay scene in San Francisco and learn more about myself. I remember looking out the window and thinking that this was the best decision I ever made.

A picture of the waves I took during a random drive to the Santa Monica Pier with me ex-friend.

My Life In Blog

Hello. You may be wondering what type of blog this will be or who I am. To be honest, I’m trying to figure out the same thing. I will start by saying that my name is Eddy and I currently graduated from San Francisco State University.

I don’t know what type of blog this will be, but in time you will know my secrets, my struggles, how I arrived at this point, and where I will go from here. It’s pretty interesting stuff to be honest. I would have never expected to be telling you about myself, but there were always times were I wanted to document my life and this is the perfect opportunity. My life in blog.

A bit about myself: I am from Orange County; I like the beach, sunny weather, going to the bars, and taking hour long walks to different locations. I consider myself average in most aspects of life and I learned that this should be something to be proud of being. Not all people are average, so I am happy that I am. Many people describe me as a shy individual, and I can’t disagree with them. To be honest, I am surprised that I managed to make friends in the first place. I have a small vocabulary, so expect to see many repeated words. I ramble on about insignificant stories that happen to me throughout the day and many people find this boring. I tend to over-analyze situations that should not be analyzed. I contradict myself far too often. I am socially awkward, but pretty social with friends.

Now that you know a bit about myself, I hope you do not judge too harshly. This is a blog about my life and everybody in it should remain anonymous except for myself. I forgot to mention that I am gay. Yeah, that changes things up a bit and makes things a lot more interesting doesn’t it? I come from a Mexican family that doesn’t think neither good nor bad of gay identifying individuals. I “came out” to my parents November 2012 and I received mixed reactions (seems like I am doing a movie review I know). My ¬†brothers had a better reaction. They support me 100 percent although we do not talk about gay issues or my relationships. I find it kind of funny how I am still hiding a part of me even though they said that they were fine with me being gay. I think they just do not know how to react, so they chose to say that they were okay. I do not judge them; I am trying to figure myself and I should not expect them to know everything about me. My family is pretty private. We do not talk about family issues to strangers, and I am sure they will get upset if they ever saw this blog. I have written too much to stop.

There. You now have some information about my life. Please try not to be too judgmental.

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